I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
