So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
false alarm, still single
Randomize
