Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
