i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
