it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
