i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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