i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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