Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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