I just saw a hot homeless man
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
