I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
