just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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