you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
