i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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