Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
