i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
