You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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