I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
