My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
