bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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