The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
