Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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