So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
