we have pet lesbian snakes
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
