I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
