I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
