he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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