he looks like a really good dad on facebook
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
