I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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