Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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