youre lurking in front of me
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
