dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Randomize
