I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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