it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
