im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
