Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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