Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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