I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
