if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
