If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
