you guys were way drunker than both of me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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