im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
