i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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