My first STD was from a foam party
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
you never un-have a 4some
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
