Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
