I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
