my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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