Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
