The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
