Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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