I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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