im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
