I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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