I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
