I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
