life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
