Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i barfeds in our rink
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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