Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
