i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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